Things you will never hear an Alabama fan say:
- I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
- I have reviewed your application.
- I hope this wasn’t tested on animals.
- Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.
- I thought Graceland was tacky.
- I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
- Too many deer heads on the wall detract from the decor.
- I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
- Trim the fat off that steak.
- Do you think my gut is too big?
- Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
- I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- Let’s go to the museum.
- No, I insist you have the last piece.
- I think we should get to know each other better first.
Test to see if you are an Alabama Fan
- You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
- You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company
- You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
- Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
- You think Possum is “The Other White Meat”
- You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
- You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
- You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.
- You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
- The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors
- You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
- You take a six-pack cooler to church
- You use a weedeater in your living room.
- The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
- The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he’s got thirteen fingers.
The Obligatory Bad Joke section – enter at your own risk.
How do you sink a submarine which is manned by Alabama fans?
Have a diver knock on the hatch.
The Tide were playing Auburn. It was near the end of the game and Auburn was ahead by 4. Someone threw a firecracker and the Auburn thought it was the gun and ran off the field celebrating.
Three plays later the Tide scored and won!!
Some Tide were trying to scare the Auburn football team before the game and threw firecrackers into the locker room windows.
The Auburn players lit them and threw them back!
Did you hear about the Tennessee student that transferred to Alabama?
He raised the IQ of both schools!
A lucky Alabama fan won the Lottery. When he went to collect his money they told him he wouldn’t get it in one lump sum and that it would be spread over 20 years.
The Alabama fan erupted and said, “If that’s the case, then give me my dollar back!”
There was a group of Alabama science students that wanted to send a probe to the sun, but some Auburn students said that was impossible and that the probe would burn up long before reaching the sun. The Tide replied that they planned to send the probe at night.
Why don’t Crimson Tide fans eat M&M’s?
They’re too hard to peel.
Did you hear about the Cessna airplane that crashed in a cemetery near the Alabama campus recently?
Alabama search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and are still digging.
What do Crimson Tide fans think Cheerios are?
I think that it is a shame the way you pick on the Tide. After all it was a Alabama engineer that invented the toilet seat.
…of course a Auburn engineer stole the design and cut a hole in the middle.
What do you call 144 Tide?
Did you hear about the Alabama fan that broke his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Why did the Alabama fan keep a coat hanger in his back seat?
In case he locks the keys in his car.
A Alabama fan ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Did you hear about the Alabama fan that got locked out of his car?
He spent two hours trying to get his wife and kids out.
How do you keep a Alabama fan busy?
Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
I bet you didn’t know that a Alabama fan invented the toothbrush.
Of course if anyone else had invented it, it would have been known as a teethbrush!
How do you recognize a Alabama fan in a department store?
He’s the one trying to slam the revolving door.
How do you know when a Alabama fan has sent you a fax?
When there’s a stamp on it.
Why do they throw out a sack of manure at all Alabama fan weddings?
To keep the flies off the bride.
Did you hear about the Alabama fan who was 2 hours late to class?
The escalator was stuck….
2 Tide were attending a friend’s funeral. While viewing the body one Tide fan says to the other, “Gee, he looks pretty good!”
The second Alabama fan replies, “He should, he just got out of the hospital yesterday.”
What about the Alabama fan whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was…
Did you hear what happened to the Alabama fan when he found out that 90% of all car accidents occur within 5 miles of home?
How many Crimson Tide fans does it take to change a flat tire?
Just one . . . unless it’s a blowout, then they all show up!
Why did the Alabama fan get rid of his freezer?
He got tired of cutting the ice into little squares to fit into the trays.
Why can’t Alabama field an ice-hockey team?
Everyone drowns in spring training.
Why can’t Alabama fan farmers raise chickens?
They plant the eggs too deep.
What do you call a female Alabama fan who takes birth control pills?
Why are rectal thermometers banned in Alabama’s campus?
They cause too much brain damage.
Why did the Alabama team airliner crash?
It ran out of coal.
What do you call a female Alabama fan with 2 brain cells?
Did you hear about the Alabama fan who was asked by his professor what would happen if we didn’t have electricity?
He said we would probably be watching TV by candlelight.
How many Alabama programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
They can’t, it’s a hardware problem.
How do you get a Alabama graduate off your front porch?
You pay for the pizza.
How do you know when you are near Alabama’s campus?
When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence.
Did you hear that Detroit was going to start putting the dimmer switch back on the floor in its new cars?
The Tide kept getting their foot caught in the steering wheel.
What Alabama fans don’t like to talk about
In August 1995, the NCAA Infractions Committee claimed four violations of NCAA rules by the Alabama football program. Alabama cornerback Antonio Langham signed with a sports agent and applied to enter the NFL draft in January 1993. Alabama’s football program was placed on probation, suffered scholarship limitations, a one year post-season ban (1995), and forfeiture of eight wins and one tie from the 9-3-1 1993 season.
During the 2000 season, an assistant football coach in Memphis, Tennessee claimed that an Alabama booster had paid him $50,000 to encourage one of his players to sign with the Crimson Tide. Following the NCAA investigation, Alabama received a probation from 2002 to 2006, a two-year post-season ban (2002 and 2003), and scholarship reductions. A secret witness was later revealed to be Tennessee coach Phillip Fulmer.
On June 11, 2009, Alabama was sanctioned for textbook-related infractions involving 16 of 19 sports, including football. They were forced to vacate 21 wins from the 2005, 2006, and 2007 seasons and were put on three years probation, ending in June 2012. The university stated “none of the textbooks or materials was used for profit or to get items not related to academics, and that the athletes involved who still have eligibility remaining have had to pay restitution.” Alabama’s appeal of the ruling was unsuccessful.
Mike Price incident
In April 2003, multiple news reports claimed that recently-hired Alabama head coach Mike Price spent several hundred dollars at a strip club in Pensacola, Florida, and that a woman ordered about $1,000 of room service, charged to Price’s hotel bill, which was paid for by the University of Alabama. Coach Price was dismissed for behavior unbecoming a representative of the University of Alabama. Following a Sports Illustrated article, which elaborated on the incident, Price sued the magazine for defamation, and sued the University, claiming wrongful termination. The lawsuit against the University of Alabama was dismissed and the lawsuit against Sports Illustrated was settled out of court.