LSU Football Jokes
A LSU fan got a job at a sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, “I just touched this big spinning thing here like this…Damn! There goes another one!”
Why don’t LSU fans eat barbecue beans?
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
Why don’t LSU fans use 911 in an emergency?
Because they can’t find “eleven” on the phone dial.
How can you tell a LSU fan is on location at a drilling rig?
He’s the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
How many LSU fans does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at LSU.
The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Why do LSU fans like smart women?
Q: What do you get when you put 32 LSU cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: How many LSU fans does it take to eat a ‘possum?
A: Three. One to eat the ‘possum and two to watch for cars.
There were 2 LSU fans going to Six Flags.
They were really excited because they had never been there before.
They were driving along when they saw a sign that said “Six Flags Left.”
So they turned around and went home.
It’s been reported that they found a skeleton on the LSU campus.
It was the 1967 hide and seek champion.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at LSU football games?
A: The sophomore with the recipe left school when his eligibility was up.
Q: How do you get a LSU cheerleader out of your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
If two married LSU grads get a divorce, are they still cousins?
If you see a LSU Fan on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
~ It might be your bicycle.
A LSU linebacker majoring in math concluded his senior thesis
with the following statement- There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
(He got an A+)
Did you hear about the LSU fan with a personalized license plate?
His Dad made it in prison.
Did you hear about the LSU grad who bought an AM Radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that the radio works at night, too.
If Bill Gates were a LSU fan:
The Recycle Bin in Winders ’95 would be an outhouse
Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with duct tape and a Hefty Bag
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old pickup
Q: Why do they throw a sack of manure into the chapel at LSU weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Did you hear that the President’s mansion at LSU burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q: How do you get a LSU graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Did you hear about the LSU fan who was a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?
He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Q: How many LSU freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.
A LSU football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident.
He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily the manager of the WalMart came out and unplugged it in time!
Q: Why do LSU cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Q : How is the LSU football team like a possum?
A : They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
A LSU fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the LSU fan, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the LSU fan brings the chain saw back and says,
“This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong.
The LSU fan says, “What’s that noise?”
A young ventriloquist is touring LSU and stops to entertain at a bar near campus.
He’s doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when a LSU Linebacker in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in LSU.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the LSU linebacker pipes up: “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!”
Q: Why is LSU replacing the astroturf in their Stadium with cardboard?
A: The team looks better on paper.
Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, a LSU grad and his son travel to the big city for the first time. After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water. After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, “So where’s my water, boy?”
“Couldn’t get any this trip, Pa. Some guy’s sitting on the well.”
Q. Why doesn’t the LSU football team have its own webpage?
A. Because they can’t put 3 W’s together.
A LSU fan walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a LSU jersey and helmet, and festooned with LSU pom-poms. The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!” The LSU fan begs him: “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can watch the football game!” After securing a promise that the dog will behave, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar to watch the game. The big game begins with the LSU receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does that dog do if LSU scores a touchdown?” The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years.”
Did you hear about the LSU students that were found
frozen to death at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Q: Why did LSU replace the Stadium grass with astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q : Why are there no Nativity scenes on the LSU campus at Christmas?
A : Because they can’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: How can you tell if a LSU fan is a married man?
A: There’s tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.
Q: How do you starve a LSU fan?
A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.
Q: What’s the smallest book in the world?
A: The LSU book of football heroes.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a LSU fan?
A: A Tattoo.
There were three LSU fans huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled,
“Yeah, 45! 45!” The bartender goes down to them and asks, “45? What are you guys so excited about?”
One of the LSU fans speaks up: “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it in 45 days!”
Did you hear about the LSU terrorist who tried to blow up the Penn State team bus.
He burned his lip on the tailpipe.
How many LSU fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he gets 3 hours credit.
What is the difference between the LSU fans and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
Did you hear about the LSU fan who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
He liked it so much that he decided to get it bronzed.
Why did the LSU fan get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector?
He kept throwing out all the W&W’s!
Have you heard about the LSU fan kamikaze pilot?
He flew 22 missions.