Clemson Football Jokes
Things you will never hear an Clemson fan say:
- I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
- Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.
- I thought Graceland was tacky.
- We’re vegetarians.
- Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
- I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
- Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
- I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
- Trim the fat off that steak.
- Do you think my gut is too big?
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
- I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- Let’s go to the museum.
- No, I insist you have the last piece.
- Four wheelers are just too dangerous.
- I think we should get to know each other better first.
- I have reviewed your application.
- I hope this wasn’t tested on animals.
Test to see if you are an Clemson Fan
- You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
- You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company
- You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
- Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
- You think Possum is “The Other White Meat”
- You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
- You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
- You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.
- You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
- The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors
- You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
- You take a six-pack cooler to church
- You use a weedeater in your living room.
- The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
- The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he’s got thirteen fingers.
The Obligatory Bad Joke section – enter at your own risk.
A Clemson fan got a job at a sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, “I just touched this big spinning thing here like this…Damn! There goes another one!”
Why don’t Clemson fans eat barbecue beans?
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
Why don’t Clemson fans use 911 in an emergency?
Because they can’t find “eleven” on the phone dial.
How can you tell a Clemson fan is on location at a drilling rig?
He’s the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
How many Clemson fans does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Clemson.
The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Why do Clemson fans like smart women?
Q: What do you get when you put 32 Clemson cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: How many Clemson fans does it take to eat a ‘possum?
A: Three. One to eat the ‘possum and two to watch for cars.
There were 2 Clemson fans going to Six Flags.
They were really excited because they had never been there before.
They were driving along when they saw a sign that said “Six Flags Left.”
So they turned around and went home.
It’s been reported that they found a skeleton on the Clemson campus.
It was the 1967 hide and seek champion.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Clemson football games?
A: The sophomore with the recipe left school when his eligibility was up.
Q: How do you get a Clemson cheerleader out of your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
If two married Clemson grads get a divorce, are they still cousins?
If you see a Clemson Fan on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
~ It might be your bicycle.
A Clemson linebacker majoring in math concluded his senior thesis
with the following statement- There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
(He got an A+)
Did you hear about the Clemson fan with a personalized license plate?
His Dad made it in prison.
Did you hear about the Clemson grad who bought an AM Radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that the radio works at night, too.
If Bill Gates were a Clemson fan:
The Recycle Bin in Winders ’95 would be an outhouse
Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with duct tape and a Hefty Bag
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old pickup
Q: Why do they throw a sack of manure into the chapel at Clemson weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Did you hear that the President’s mansion at Clemson burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q: How do you get a Clemson graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Did you hear about the Clemson fan who was a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?
He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Q: How many Clemson freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.
A Clemson football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident.
He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily the manager of the WalMart came out and unplugged it in time!
Q: Why do Clemson cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Q : How is the Clemson football team like a possum?
A : They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
A Clemson fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Clemson fan, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the Clemson fan brings the chain saw back and says,
“This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong.
The Clemson fan says, “What’s that noise?”
A young ventriloquist is touring Clemson and stops to entertain at a bar near campus.
He’s doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when a Clemson Linebacker in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in Clemson.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the Clemson linebacker pipes up: “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!”
Q: Why is Clemson replacing the astroturf in their Stadium with cardboard?
A: The team looks better on paper.
Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, a Clemson grad and his son travel to the big city for the first time. After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water. After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, “So where’s my water, boy?”
“Couldn’t get any this trip, Pa. Some guy’s sitting on the well.”
Q. Why doesn’t the Clemson football team have its own webpage?
A. Because they can’t put 3 W’s together.
A Clemson fan walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Clemson jersey and helmet, and festooned with Clemson pom-poms. The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!” The Clemson fan begs him: “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can watch the football game!” After securing a promise that the dog will behave, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar to watch the game. The big game begins with the Clemson receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does that dog do if Clemson scores a touchdown?” The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years.”
Did you hear about the Clemson students that were found
frozen to death at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Q: Why did Clemson replace the Stadium grass with astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q : Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Clemson campus at Christmas?
A : Because they can’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: How can you tell if a Clemson fan is a married man?
A: There’s tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.
Q: How do you starve a Clemson fan?
A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.
Q: What’s the smallest book in the world?
A: The Clemson book of football heroes.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a Clemson fan?
A: A Tattoo.
There were three Clemson fans huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled,
“Yeah, 45! 45!” The bartender goes down to them and asks, “45? What are you guys so excited about?”
One of the Clemson fans speaks up: “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it in 45 days!”
Did you hear about the Clemson terrorist who tried to blow up the South Carolina team bus.
He burned his lip on the tailpipe.
How many Clemson fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he gets 3 hours credit.
What is the difference between the Clemson fans and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
Did you hear about the Clemson fan who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
He liked it so much that he decided to get it bronzed.
Why did the Clemson fan get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector?
He kept throwing out all the W&W’s!
Have you heard about the Clemson fan kamikaze pilot?
He flew 22 missions.