Michigan Football Jokes




Things you will never hear an Michigan fan say

_________________________________________________

 

  • Wrestling is fake.
  • The tires on that truck are too big.
  • Checkmate.
  • You can’t feed that to the dog.
  • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  • Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  • Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  • Duct tape won’t fix that.
  • My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
  • I read an interesting article today.
  • Let’s listen to NPR.
  • Hey buddy save your money; this one is on me.
  • Let a professional paint your car.
  • Don’t kill it!
  • I love the sweet sound of the oboe.
  • May the best man win.

_________________________________________________

A test to see if you are a true Michigan fan

_________________________________________________

  • A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  • You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.
  • If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.
  • You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
  • It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
  • You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
  • Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
  • You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.



_________________________________________________
A Michigan fan got a job at a sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, “I just touched this big spinning thing here like this…Damn! There goes another one!”

______________________________

Why don’t Michigan fans eat barbecue beans?

Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.

______________________________

Why don’t Michigan fans use 911 in an emergency?

Because they can’t find “eleven” on the phone dial.

______________________________

How can you tell a Michigan fan is on location at a drilling rig?

He’s the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

______________________________

How many Michigan fans does it take to eat an armadillo?

Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.

______________________________

Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Michigan.

The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

______________________________

Why do Michigan fans like smart women?

Opposites attract.

______________________________

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Michigan cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

______________________________

Q: How many Michigan fans does it take to eat a ‘possum?
A: Three. One to eat the ‘possum and two to watch for cars.

______________________________

There were 2 Michigan fans going to Six Flags.
They were really excited because they had never been there before.
They were driving along when they saw a sign that said “Six Flags Left.”
So they turned around and went home.

______________________________

It’s been reported that they found a skeleton on the Michigan campus.
It was the 1967 hide and seek champion.

______________________________

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The sophomore with the recipe left school when his eligibility was up.

______________________________

Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader out of your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

______________________________



If two married Michigan grads get a divorce, are they still cousins?

______________________________

If you see a Michigan Fan on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
~ It might be your bicycle.


______________________________

A Michigan linebacker majoring in math concluded his senior thesis
with the following statement- There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
(He got an A+)

______________________________

Did you hear about the Michigan fan with a personalized license plate?
His Dad made it in prison.

______________________________

Did you hear about the Michigan grad who bought an AM Radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that the radio works at night, too.

______________________________

If Bill Gates were a Michigan fan:
The Recycle Bin in Winders ’95 would be an outhouse
Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with duct tape and a Hefty Bag
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old pickup

______________________________

Q: Why do they throw a sack of manure into the chapel at Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

______________________________

Did you hear that the President’s mansion at Michigan burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

______________________________

Q: How do you get a Michigan graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

______________________________

Did you hear about the Michigan fan who was a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?
He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

______________________________

Q: How many Michigan freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

______________________________

A Michigan football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident.
He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily the manager of the WalMart came out and unplugged it in time!

______________________________

Q: Why do Michigan cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

______________________________

Q : How is the Michigan football team like a possum?
A : They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

______________________________

A Michigan fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Michigan fan, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the Michigan fan brings the chain saw back and says,
“This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong.
The Michigan fan says, “What’s that noise?”

______________________________

A young ventriloquist is touring Michigan and stops to entertain at a bar near campus.
He’s doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when a Michigan Linebacker in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in Michigan.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the Michigan linebacker pipes up: “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!”

______________________________

Q: Why is Michigan replacing the astroturf in their Stadium with cardboard?
A: The team looks better on paper.

______________________________


Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, a Michigan grad and his son travel to the big city for the first time.After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water. After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, “So where’s my water, boy?”

“Couldn’t get any this trip, Pa. Some guy’s sitting on the well.”

______________________________

Q. Why doesn’t the Michigan football team have its own webpage?
A. Because they can’t put 3 W’s together.

______________________________

A Michigan fan walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Michigan jersey and helmet, and festooned with Michigan pom-poms. The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!” The Michigan fan begs him: “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can watch the football game!” After securing a promise that the dog will behave, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar to watch the game. The big game begins with the Michigan receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does that dog do if Michigan scores a touchdown?” The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years.”

______________________________

Did you hear about the Michigan students that were found
frozen to death at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”

______________________________

Q: Why did Michigan replace the Stadium grass with astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

______________________________

Q : Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan campus at Christmas?
A : Because they can’t find three wise men and a virgin.

______________________________

Q: How can you tell if a Michigan fan is a married man?
A: There’s tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.

______________________________

Q: How do you starve a Michigan fan?
A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.

______________________________

Q: What’s the smallest book in the world?
A: The Michigan book of football heroes.

______________________________

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a Michigan fan?
A: A Tattoo.

______________________________

There were three Michigan fans huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled,

“Yeah, 45! 45!” The bartender goes down to them and asks, “45? What are you guys so excited about?”

One of the Michigan fans speaks up: “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it in 45 days!”

______________________________

Did you hear about the Michigan terrorist who tried to blow up the Ohio State team bus.

He burned his lip on the tailpipe.

______________________________

How many Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but he gets 3 hours credit.

______________________________

What is the difference between the Michigan fans and Rice Crispies?

Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.

______________________________

Did you hear about the Michigan fan who won a gold medal at the Olympics?

He liked it so much that he decided to get it bronzed.

______________________________

Why did the Michigan fan get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector?

He kept throwing out all the W&W’s!

______________________________

Have you heard about the Michigan fan kamikaze pilot?

He flew 22 missions.