South Carolina Football Jokes
Things you will never hear an South Carolina fan say
- Wrestling’s fake.
- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
- The tires on that truck are too big.
- You can’t feed that to the dog.
- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
- Spitting is such a nasty habit.
- Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
- Duct tape won’t fix that.
- My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
- I read an interesting article today.
- Let’s listen to NPR.
- Hey buddy save your money; this one is on me.
- Let a professional paint your car.
- Don’t kill it!
- I love the sweet sound of the oboe.
- May the best man win.
A test to see if you are a true South Carolina fan
- A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
- One of your kids was born on a pool table.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
- You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.
- If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.
- You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
- It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
- You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
- Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
- You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
A South Carolina fan got a job at a sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, “I just touched this big spinning thing here like this…Damn! There goes another one!”
Why do South Carolina fans like smart women?
Q : How is the South Carolina football team like a possum?
A : They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
A South Carolina fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the South Carolina fan, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the South Carolina fan brings the chain saw back and says,
“This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong.
The South Carolina fan says, “What’s that noise?”
A young ventriloquist is touring South Carolina and stops to entertain at a bar near campus.
He’s doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when a South Carolina Linebacker in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in South Carolina.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the South Carolina linebacker pipes up: “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!”
Q: Why is South Carolina replacing the astroturf in their Stadium with cardboard?
A: The team looks better on paper.
Q: What do you get when you put 32 South Carolina cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: How many South Carolina fans does it take to eat a ‘possum?
A: Three. One to eat the ‘possum and two to watch for cars.
There were 2 South Carolina fans going to Six Flags.
They were really excited because they had never been there before.
They were driving along when they saw a sign that said “Six Flags Left.”
So they turned around and went home.
It’s been reported that they found a skeleton on the South Carolina campus.
It was the 1967 hide and seek champion.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at South Carolina football games?
A: The sophomore with the recipe left school when his eligibility was up.
Q: How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader out of your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
If two married South Carolina grads get a divorce, are they still cousins?
If you see a South Carolina Fan on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
~ It might be your bicycle.
A South Carolina linebacker majoring in math concluded his senior thesis
with the following statement- There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
(He got an A+)
Did you hear about the South Carolina fan with a personalized license plate?
His Dad made it in prison.
Did you hear about the South Carolina grad who bought an AM Radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that the radio works at night, too.
If Bill Gates were a South Carolina fan:
The Recycle Bin in Winders ’95 would be an outhouse
Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with duct tape and a Hefty Bag
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old pickup
Q: Why do they throw a sack of manure into the chapel at South Carolina weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
A South Carolina student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the tired line “Where do y’all go to school?”
The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl but did answer his question.
“Yale,” she replied.
The South Carolina student took a big deep breath and shouted,
“WHERE DO Y’ALL GO TO SCHOOL!?”
Did you hear that the President’s mansion at South Carolina burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q: How do you get a South Carolina graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Did you hear about the South Carolina fan who was a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?
He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Q: How many South Carolina freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.
A South Carolina football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident.
He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily the manager of the WalMart came out and unplugged it in time!
Q: Why do South Carolina cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, a South Carolina grad and his son travel to the big city for the first time.After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water. After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, “So where’s my water, boy?”
“Couldn’t get any this trip, Pa. Some guy’s sitting on the well.”
Q. Why doesn’t the South Carolina football team have its own webpage?
A. Because they can’t put 3 W’s together.
A South Carolina fan walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a South Carolina jersey and helmet, and festooned with South Carolina pom-poms. The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!” The South Carolina fan begs him: “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can watch the football game!” After securing a promise that the dog will behave, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar to watch the game. The big game begins with the South Carolina receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does that dog do if South Carolina scores a touchdown?” The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years.”
Did you hear about the South Carolina students that were found
frozen to death at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Q: Why did South Carolina replace the Stadium grass with astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q : Why are there no Nativity scenes on the South Carolina campus at Christmas?
A : Because they can’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: How can you tell if a South Carolina fan is a married man?
A: There’s tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.
Q: How do you starve a South Carolina fan?
A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.
Q: What’s the smallest book in the world?
A: The South Carolina book of football heroes.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a South Carolina fan?
A: A Tattoo.
There were three South Carolina fans huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled,
“Yeah, 45! 45!” The bartender goes down to them and asks, “45? What are you guys so excited about?”
One of the South Carolina fans speaks up: “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it in 45 days!”
Did you hear about the South Carolina terrorist who tried to blow up the Clemson team bus.
He burned his lip on the tailpipe.
How many South Carolina fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he gets 3 hours credit.
What is the difference between the South Carolina fans and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
Did you hear about the South Carolina fan who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
He liked it so much that he decided to get it bronzed.
Why did the South Carolina fan get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector?
He kept throwing out all the W&W’s!
Have you heard about the South Carolina fan kamikaze pilot?
He flew 22 missions.