Auburn Football Jokes


Things you will never hear an Auburn fan say

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  • Wrestling is fake.
  • The tires on that truck are too big.
  • Checkmate.
  • You can’t feed that to the dog.
  • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  • Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  • Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  • Duct tape won’t fix that.
  • I read an interesting article today.
  • Let’s listen to NPR.
  • Hey buddy save your money; this one is on me.
  • Let a professional paint your car.
  • Don’t kill it!
  • I love the sweet sound of the oboe.

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A test to see if you are a true Auburn fan

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  • A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  • You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.
  • If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.
  • You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
  • It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
  • You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
  • Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
  • You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

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What happens when an AUBURN fan takes Viagra?
He gets taller

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A little boy and his mother were walking in a cemetery when they came
upon a headstone that read “Here lies an
AUBURN graduate and an honest man.”
The little boy asked, “Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?”

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a classy AUBURN Fan and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

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Q : How do you come to own a small business?

A : Start a large business and put an
AUBURN grad in charge of it.

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An AUBURN fan stopped at a gas station in Lafayette Louisiana.
While there, the Cajun attendant told the War Eagle this riddle:
“My mama has a child who’s not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”
The
AUBURN fan was dumbfounded. “Gee, I don’t know. Who?”
“It’s me!” replied the attendant.
Upon returning to school, the
AUBURN fan couldn’t wait to try the joke out on
one of his friends. He asked the first one he saw,
“My mama has a child who’s not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”
“Hmmm … I don’t know.” replied the friend.
The
AUBURN fan answered, “It’s some little Cajun fella in Lafayette Louisiana!”

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Why do AUBURN football players like smart women?
Opposites attract.


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A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, “So, I bet you’re an AUBURN fan.” The first man says enthusiastically, “Why yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?” The second fellow says, “No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”

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Q: What does the average AUBURN player get on his S.A.T.?
A: Drool.

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Q: What do you get when you put 32 AUBURN cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

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Q: How do you get an AUBURN cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

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Q: How do you get an AUBURN graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

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Q: Why do the AUBURN cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

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Q: Why is the AUBURN football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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Q: What are the longest three years of an AUBURN football player’s life?
A: His freshman year.

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Q: How many AUBURN freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

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Why is it so difficult to solve a murder in AUBURN?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.


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Q. What do you call an AUBURN grad with a SEC Championship ring?
A. A thief.

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Q. How many AUBURN fans does it take to make popcorn?
A. Over 100. One to hold the pan, three to shake the stove,
one to hide the bong as the police arrive and the rest to complain
that they missed the recruiting party.

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Two AUBURN fans were out hunting when a bird flew overhead and made a ‘deposit’ on one of them.
The first
AUBURN fan says, “You want me to run back to the trailer park and get some tissue?”
The second one says, “Don’t bother. That bird will be long gone by the time you get back.”

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Did you hear about the AUBURN linebacker who stole a police car?
He saw “911″ on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

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Q: How does an AUBURN fan count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, …..

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Hear about the
AUBURN fan who lost $50 on the football game?
He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.

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Q: What did the ALABAMA grad say to the AUBURN grad?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

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The AUBURN football team can do almost everything with the ball except sign it.

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What do they call a crime ring in AUBURN?
A huddle

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There are 4 AUBURN players in a car. Who is driving?
The police

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Did you hear about the new honor system at AUBURN?
Yes, your Honor. No, your Honor.

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AUBURN has hired a new defensive coordinator.
Johnny Cochran starts on Monday.

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You know you’re from AUBURN if:
You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on the amount of gas in the tank.

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Q: How does an AUBURN girl earn money for college?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

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Q: How do you keep an AUBURN fan out of your yard?
A: Put up goalposts.

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Two AUBURN scholars were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks.
The first
AUBURN scholar said “Those are deer tracks.”
The second one said “Nope, they’re too big for deer tracks. They must be elk tracks.”
As the debate raged on they were hit by a train.

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The AUBURN players are so lucky. When they go Christmas shopping
for their mother, girlfriend and sister they only have to buy one gift.

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Q: What does a tornado and an AUBURN cheerleader have in common?
A: They both eventually end up in a trailer park.

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Q: What is the difference between an AUBURN cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells; the other is a fish.

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Q: What do you call 20 AUBURN fans skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet


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Two AUBURN football players were down on 6th street partying up a storm.
They were hootin’, hollerin’ and yee hawin’ when the bartender asked them why
they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished
a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months.
“Two months!?” exclaimed the bartender. “To complete a simple puzzle?”
The player replied, “Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years.”

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Q: Why was the AUBURN football team late for their last game?
A: Every time their bus passed a sign that said ‘Clean Restrooms’, they did.

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Q: Why did the AUBURN fan marry a cow?
A: He had to.

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Q: What do AUBURN fans call it when a referee throws a game?
A: Saturday

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An AUBURN fan called the hospital saying “My wife is having a baby, what should I do?”
The nurse asked, “Is this her first baby?”
The
AUBURN fan replied, “No, this is her husband.”

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Q: Why do AUBURN fans like to have sex with the lights off?
A: So it won’t run down the battery in the pickup.

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Last week, severe thunderstorms and an F-5 tornado moved
through the
AUBURN campus. Damages were estimated at $5.00

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Did you hear about the AUBURN fan who was injured in a pie eating contest?
A cow stepped on him.

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Q: What did the AUBURN fan do after coming upon a stop sign?
A: I don’t know – he’s still there.

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What do AUBURN fans use for birth control?
Their personalities


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Did you hear the AUBURN fan library burned down?
The saddest part was that half the books weren’t colored in yet.

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Q: How many AUBURN fan players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

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Two men, an ALABAMA fan and an AUBURN fan, were using a public restroom.
The War Eagle fan noticed that the Tide fan didn’t wash his hands afterward and said smugly
“Hey, at
AUBURN they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom.”
“Oh really? Well, in
ALABAMA we’re taught not to pee on our hands.”